hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
