He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
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Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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