Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
