Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
