I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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