I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
