Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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