i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.