Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
