I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!