He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
