I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize