My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
