Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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