Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
