if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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