her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
