Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
