I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
