I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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