Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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