no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
