I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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