i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
