and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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