I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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