I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
