if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
