I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
