I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
