cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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