I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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