today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
