Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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