I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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