Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
