Pregnant stripper...not hot.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
