I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I need to calm my uterus...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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