Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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