My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
