i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
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i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
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I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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