so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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