There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
