why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
it's not cheating when I paid for it
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Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
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The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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