I wish my penis had an off switch
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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