My first STD was from a foam party
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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