If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
