my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just want nice things and good sex
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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