is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
