he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
