They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
