How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
