I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
