he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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