I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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