Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
