fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
